Everlasting Rest

As I take to my knees to write what is in my heart, I desire to understand what I am giving up for. 
This sacrifice of my life, this pain, this letting go, must be something I do for a great reward.

The joy set before him, led Jesus to die. The cross where He suffered is now where I died.

Long ago, I gave up the life I once had, to take from Him what He died to give.

Now, in fear that by following in to things I do not know – that I may never understand,

I am forced to once again trust Him with my life and reach out with empty hands.

The good that I had, I left all behind. Now with nothing, O Lord, I come.

Give, give me all that I desire. I desire more of You. I desire only You.

My one great reward and my one great treasure is to know You, to hear Your voice.

Nothing inside me understands this call. It seems like I have given up the world.

Sometimes I wonder if I will look back one day and wonder what fantasy it was,

That drives me to give everything away. Abandoning the life I could have, every day.

Like the ancient ones of faith, I desire a kingdom that is not of clay,

But I don’t know if, like them, I can spend my entire life waiting for someday.

The pressures around me to conform to the attitudes and lifestyles of normality,

Remind me at once of the gravity of my situation, the futility of life, the morality of choice…

And, by the grace of God, the absolute hopelessness of my situation apart from Christ.

If I were not first drawn into the desire to have what is best, I could not enter rest.

But the rest eludes me in the struggle of war. To keep the faith is tough.

When life is easy, I get careless. When it is hard, I am tempted to let go.

But one thing keeps me holding on, pressing in. I have found a treasure in a field,

An unshakeable kingdom, a promise that is sure, and a fortune that will not be taken away.

In order to buy, I must give up all that I possess. Including my life. Nothing less.

This payment not to buy, but rather be given. The reward is priceless - sacred by blood.

For me this treasure is free, but I cannot with hands that are full of pleasure

And a heart that is full of pride, find room for a vision that could overflow my life.

So giving up, emptying out, losing what most desire to gain, I complete the suffering, know joy.

I buy with a great cost what is already mine to possess: Salvation through Jesus Christ. 
Everlasting Rest.

Thinking Through life

I wrote this a few weeks ago and posted it here since it plays a role in the decisions I made over the next several weeks. There will be more to come.

April 22

This night at the end of the prayer furnace meeting, I found myself once again in the position of letting go of everything and completely trusting in God for my future and my present. My prayer was to live in the present, each day, one day at a time, one moment at a time asking Jesus for what to do next, following His voice and loving other people. I have a feeling that I will be doing something in Chicago that I don’t expect at the moment. I don’t know what it is yet, but it has something to do with my desire for the church to be free from religion.

Then I asked when that was to start and how I was to begin my work in Chicago and He said that I had several interesting things I was working on that I should continue to do until I was told that it was the right time to start something else. However, I need to hold on to my projects loosely and always be ready for the opportunity that will present itself when I don’t expect it.

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I have been challenged to commit to something and believe I have not yet embraced that challenge. Tonight, God spoke through a man that ‘I had to talk to’ who had spent much of his life avoiding commitments and was sad because he had never accomplished anything. However, he is now committed to one thing: his relationship with Jesus. That is what I once again committed myself to.

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In any case, I believe I am called to something big, but my focus is to be on something little. My call is the kingdom, my mission is love. Simply living honorably, acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with my God.

At this moment, I am perfectly at peace with my future because I know who has planned it and who will take care of me through it. Even though I don’t know the first steps, I know what will take me the right direction. Lord, give me the courage to walk that way even when no one else will join me. God will change the heart of His church through prayer. Through time spent with Him, through people who will give up their lives to Him. If I can live a life following Jesus example, I will be satisfied.

Desire

April 15, 2012

Am I going to make excuses or am I going to make something happen?
Am I going to make my life count or am I going to waste it?
Am I going to make my life about what I have or about who I am?

What if it isn’t a dream. It isn’t a movie. What if this longing is for something that has not yet happened? For what will be in the future. What if it is the present reality of what will soon come to be? I have felt this before. It can’t be satisfied by anything that I try. The only place it actually comes close to being fulfilled is back in the presence of God. A knowledge that everything is perfect that comes through giving up everything, letting go of whatever I hold dear, and completely trusting that He is good and He is all.

The question remains that why with my understanding of the situation, I consistently choose to ignore the one answer I know in search of one that I can’t discover. Have I become so short term oriented in my thinking that I cannot bring myself to fight for what cannot be won in a moment? Am I so distracted by my feelings of discontent that I cannot bring myself to go after their solution?

It’s that moment when you realize watching someone else achieve their dreams is not going to cut it anymore. You have to go out there and do it yourself. Dreaming isn’t good enough, you’ve got to get out there and live it. IT’s my life. It’ my time. It’s my destiny. What do I choose? Will I buckle under the pressure or will I plow through it, rise above it and see the stars above the clouds. Will I push past the last available breath to the one I never saw coming that will take me to places I haven’t dreamed of yet?

When do I reach the point where I realize my dreams have been too small? That what is unrealistic is much easier to dwell on than what is achievable, but it is also much less rewarding. Certain things in life always hold true like the level of input determines the level of output. The level of risk determines the level of reward. The level of patience determines the level of success. I will not become tomorrow what I am not already becoming today and I must plot a course that will deliver me to the destination I choose rather than the destination I will reach by default.

There are choices that must be made and lived with. Decisions that will affect the rest of my life. These do not appear in earth shattering moments with ominous music in the background, but in split second choices that shape my priorities and my character. Right now they are taking me a direction I do not want to go. I have certain things I am learning from following this direction, but I also have things I regret.

One thing I have learned, I need balance. I cannot work all day one day and relax all the next. I need to fill my life with a little bit of everything I need. I also need the discipline to say no to whatever is not profitable for me.

How do I change? Do I make a decision to never go back to this frustrating position I so often find myself in? Do I eliminate whatever is holding me back? Do I give in to what I feel because it is naturally me? What do I have to sacrifice to achieve what I truly desire?