My brothers do
not be dismayed when you face trials of many kinds for you know that the
testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance hope, and hope
makes not ashamed because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the
Holy Spirit who is in us (Romans 5:4-5).
I used to have a much stronger
sense of faith. I knew that the beliefs I had were right, that the principles I
believed were true, that the actions I took were appropriate, and that those things
I dismissed as false had no relevance to my life.
In the process of
change, I have forced myself to remain open to new ideas, to new ways of life,
and to new knowledge. Now, I have a choice before me to continue this openness.
Does staying open require me to doubt what I already know? Do my actions in
acquiring knowledge require me to abandon what I already believe?
I think that I
want to believe that what I believe is truth is actually true and then build my
life and justify my actions by it.
However, I do not want to cut myself off into another bubble of
self-created, self-justified truth that only I believe and that is actually
false.
Recently I
have realized that I thought my trust in Jesus was absolutely at the core of who I am. I
thought that I chose to trust in Him instead of in my own reason and knowledge.
However, I made that decision to trust with full knowledge and reason of what
it meant. Therefore I still have grounds to question whether I made a wise or a
foolish decision. At times I feel it was the best choice I ever made. At other
times, I wonder if there could be another choice. I live my life by the
decision I’ve made, but I do not stop wondering if another way could be better.
I suppose part of
the reason for this doubt is my constant pursuit of the truth – or what I think
is the truth - that exists out there somewhere yet beyond my reach. I still think I need to find it; still think
I need to have a more complete knowledge of what is not truth in order to fully
appreciate what I believe is truth.
Perhaps I assume
that what I believe becomes for me that which is true. Specifically, I define truth in my mind, then believe this truth with my heart.
Because of this assumption, I don’t trust what I believe to be true. Or at
least some part of me doesn’t.
I want to believe, want to be
secure, and want to know the truth. One part of me says that when I find the
truth I will believe it. Another part of me wants to believe that I already
know the truth and wonders why I constantly doubt whether I actually do know
the truth. Yet a third part of me wants to be apathetic and not really care
whether I know the truth or not – after all life is about living, not knowing.
"Life is not about
the right answers, but about the right relationship" – Molly Reich
