What now?

There are several goals that I have for my time here in Minnesota. The first goal is to focus on my relationships with God through time in prayer, in the Bible and in everything I do. The second goal is to find others with a similar interest and encourage their pursuit. Besides this I have no real agenda. I cannot change anyone’s heart. I cannot point out anyone’s sin by my own. Jesus told a story of those who think they can see clearly to point out the problems that other people have and offer to help with them. It is quite obvious that those who think they can see and offer a solution to others have a much greater problem than those they criticize.

Furthermore, John 8:1-11 constantly returns to mind as I stand with the Pharisees ready to throw stones at the sinner, but realize that I too am imperfect. At the end of the story, Jesus was the only person who remained with the woman and He is the only one who could speak the following words to her; “go and sin no more.”

For as long as I can remember, I have searched for a solution to the problem of broken churches and sinful people - some method or shortcut to the perfect lifestyle or church.  Every time I thought I had found it, I would be disappointed that following the steps exactly as described failed to work. After giving up hope that such a solution existed, I discovered that the answer is not an idea but a person. That person, Jesus, has completely changed my life and offers to do the same to anyone else who will come to Him in humility and let Him begin to work.

I could not fix my problems and cannot offer to fix them for anyone else. All that I can do is introduce them to the One who can.

Sunday night, I arrived back in Minnesota with plans to attend my church, but discovered there was no service. I then drove to another meeting, but found out the church had moved. Finally, I decided to drive until I found a church parking lot with cars in it. I had to meet with some Christians. Walking into the first church that I found, I eventually came across a gather of college students and enjoyed some time of prayer and bible study. I left encouraged and excited to have made my first connections with the church south of the river.

Monday, I spent several hours talking with a neighbor about my experience and like the night before was encouraged both by his walk with God and by the way our conversations were so encouraging. He warned me as many others have that most people are comfortable with their idea of Christianity and not open to change. To this I responded as I had learned in Colorado that my job is simply to run after God faithfully and let Him worry about working on the people around me. If I get the chance to love them and participate, I get the blessing of being faithful and possibly the joy of seeing fruit.

Tuesday, I connected with several individuals on my job hunt, but wonder how any of them knew that I was a Christian. I found it slightly awkward to announce to one of the ladies I met that the reason I came to Minnesota was to work with a church. She seemed to have no concept of what I was thinking.

Finally, today, I enjoyed spending time with my grandparents, sister and brother-in-law, brother, and an old friend. It is so much fun simply enjoying the life that God has given me realizing I am free from any obligations to Him, but constantly looking for the chance to know Him more fully through everything that I do.

One of the things that I struggle with is the idea of measuring up to expectations of other people. As a broke, recent college grad, it can sometimes be difficult to remember that my valued does not depend on what I do or on how much money is in my bank account. My value is secure and unchanging because of the price that Jesus had to pay to call me into His kingdom. As I follow Him, He will provide for my needs in ways that many people will never get to experience. Even now, looking for a job, I am excited to find out exactly how He intends to fill that need in my life. There are several interesting things that have happened so far in my networking, applying, and searching. I will write more about them later.

Why Minnesota?

May 23, 2012

One of the questions that I expected on my return to Minnesota after setting out with LA as a destination is “why didn’t you go all the way there?” It was a question that I had to deal with before I made the decision to go to Minnesota. I was half-way between the two places. There were a couple key factors that drove my decision

First, even before I reached Colorado, I recognized that the trip was not about my destination, but about my relationship with God. I needed to begin my post-graduate life by recognizing my role as both a child of God and a representative of His kingdom. I had been raised to serve, but needed to encounter love (1 Corinthians 13). After days of prayer, I recognized clearly that I did not have to do anything to make God happy with me. He accepted me as His child while I was still His enemy. Now that I am His child there is nothing I can possibly do to change that. Thus, I was completely free to do whatever I wanted with my life.

Second, even though I am completely free to do anything I want, my greatest desire is to know God. One of the best ways I have found to discover Him more fully is through loving and serving other people. For this reason, my call to pray and to love remained the same even after I realized my destination didn’t matter so much to God as my heart. He wanted to be my only focus, but as I ran after Him, I was distracted by the possibility of doing something for Him. Now I wanted to see Him do something through me as I sought to know Him in the way I lived my life every day.

Third, my life has always been about ideas. I love ideas and concepts, and watching them materialize. However, it is only recently that I have been given a love for the people that make these ideas worth anything. Travelling to California was about an idea. The idea was good, but I had no clue who the people were that I was going to serve, worship, and enjoy life with. At the same time, I knew several people in Minnesota who I desperately wanted to show the work that God was doing in my life. One direction was an idea, the other direction was an individual (specifically a church).

Fourth, along the way I received three challenges from the believers I spoke with. The first, was to determine where I was going, the second was to prepare for what I would do there, the third was to follow God wherever He would lead me. The first, I recognized was completely up to me. I have wanted and still hope to go to LA at some point in the future, but right now I have some things to do in Minnesota. The second was advice that I am currently following: developing a plan for when I do begin to minister in LA. The third was probably the most helpful advice for two reasons. It drew my heart in a direction that God had been calling me for some time, but it also removed the fear of people that has often kept me from responding to this call.

Fifth, I have always wondered why so many people who spend their lives serving the kingdom wind up with ruined families. One of the qualifications for a leader in the church is excellence in fatherhood. Christians often take Jesus call to love him and be willing to leave family behind as an excuse to avoid serving those closest to them (who are admittedly some of the most difficult to love). I do not want to be the person who succeeds at sharing God’s love with a world of nameless strangers, but fails to do the same to those that are most invested in my life. One cannot sacrifice love in the name of ministry. It is inconsistent to act in an unloving way toward one person in order act out of love for someone else. The tree cannot bear both good fruit and evil. Either I love God and all others, or I don’t. This was ultimately, my greatest reason for driving north instead of south when I left Colorado Springs.

Finally, I knew all along that the call to follow God would lead me to an unknown destination. I never expected it would be to Minnesota and struggled hard against my desire to start a fresh life in another state that I have always wanted to live in. However, as I came to understand God’s love for me more fully and the opportunities I would have to share that love with people I care about, I began to desire to go to Minnesota more strongly than I had ever desired not to go there. I realized that the journey I began in Indiana on May 10 would not simply end when I had reached a destination. It would continue every day that I turned my heart to seek God and offered my life to see how He would reveal Himself through me. So far, it has been an exciting adventure. 

Note to self

Dear Me, 

Why should you be such an important figure in my life? It seems like every time I go about trying to become passionate about something you get in the way by appealing to personal pride, or face or something else. You are the reason why I so often find it necessary to carefully craft and then flawlessly project an unrealistic of myself to those around me. Is it for fear that I will not be accepted that you force me into this shroud? Why am I so concerned with trying to protect your feelings when all you ever do is demand more of me? Is my view of the world so small that the problem you have with feeling like the most important person in the world becomes all that consumes my life?

If I were to for just one day forget about you, I might see that all around me there is joy, there is suffering, there is pleasure, there is pain. Achievement to be won and souls to be affected, success is mine to have, but you would have me just reject it? Why? Do you offer something better than putting my life into the service of something greater than you and receiving the satisfaction of actually making a difference somehow?

Upon reflection I find that you are too concerned with self-image to give any sort of thought to the bigger picture. It is not a window you are looking through, it is a mirror that shows you only what you want to see: your magnificent reflection. However, that reflection cannot always be so perfect. In a quiet moment, you find that there is no one to admire your beauty. In the middle of your triumph, you question whether any of the attention you receive is actually genuine. In the end, you know that living a lie can never produce the kind of fulfillment you are seeking; yet you cannot let me choose the alternative without seriously considering what it will do to your image.

Pfffsh, your image. This is my life, we’re talking about here. Image got me nothing and nowhere. In fact, by trying to submit to your ideas about what it takes to be happy, I had lost all sense of purpose whatsoever. For one can never find his own approval in his peers. There must be something else to support a man; some dream or vision that is grander and much more fulfilling than you are. The enjoyment of an image is like the vision of a flame, ever changing and completely untouchable. To willingly sacrifice you to achieve something of value – that is where true happiness is found.

Yes, there will be problems, but these are the building blocks to success. In reaction to my passion, some people will no longer wish to be my friends. However, this is the only way in which I can discover who is truly a friend. I will be required to give up my comfort and even some of the good things I like, but these are simply the enemies of that which is better. To every man a choice has been given: to spend his life serving you, or to spend you to achieve what can truly be called a life worth living.

So, here’s goodbye to pleasant roads, sweet dreams, and easy living. Farewell, to perfect image, plastered smiles, joyless pleasure, and mere survival. I choose to live; to sacrifice everything I have for something worth obtaining, to give up what you want for a cause of my own choosing; to exchange the image for the reality; to do what no one else has dared to do. So that mine will have been a life truly lived.