In reflection this morning, I recalled once again the
great freedom that I have discovered after finally entrusting my soul
completely to God. As I read about the work God has done in my heart in the
Bible and other materials, I wonder why it took so long for me to reach this
point when the path was so obvious. The nation of Israel provides the perfect
example of my own stumbling. The law was given to lead them to righteousness
through faith, but they stumbled by attempting to fulfill it by their own
works.
In my Christian experience, I recall reading through books and hearing the idea of surrendering to God. Of letting go and
letting Him take control of my life. I knew from trial and error that
attempting to be a good Christian was really difficult, but I thought that I
could eventually achieve a more ideal state if I figured out the right steps to
follow. Unfortunately, all of the steps that I thought were right required me
to earn for myself what Christ has already offered for free. In my pursuit of
holiness, I turned my back on what was Holy, despised the gift of salvation,
and even tried to take the position of God.
Because it was derived from my own efforts, my Christianity looked good
to the church, but had no heart.
The nice things I did for others out of duty became
nothing because they were not accompanied by love. The smile I carried on my
face only reflected the joy I knew I was supposed to have, and the peace I
claimed to hold required such constant attention to maintain that I knew it
would be gone shortly. Worst of all, I turned the God I claimed to serve into
little more than a genie who failed at granting wishes, a judge who required more
than I could ever pay, and a servant who by reason of His own laws would have
to grant me access to heaven because of the knowledge I had obtained.
This is the point at which I stumbled. I had faith in my
own understanding of the methods by which I could procure my own salvation. I
knew that salvation was only available because of God’s grace and Jesus
sacrifice, but I never placed my faith entirely in these two incredible facts.
In this way, I turned God’s incredible blessing into my own incredible burden
and insulted the cross through my inordinate sense of pride that I claimed was ‘biblical.’
Though I spent hours pouring through books on doctrine and
theology to support my beliefs, I soon came to understand that every person I
read had a slightly different understanding of who God was and how one could
obtain His blessings. Even so, I desperately assaulted the philosophies that
were incompatible with my own. Usually these had to deal with eschatology,
baptism, church traditions, and highly controversial topics like
predestination. If I could not prove to myself or to someone else that the
alternatives to my methods would not work, I became uncomfortable with my own
beliefs and began to worry about my ultimate end. The only glimmer of light
that fell into this dark world vanished when I came to realize that many people do
not believe in the idea of eternal security.
Only after this point, when I lost faith in my own ability
to procure my salvation, did I acquire the humility that is necessary for one
to place his faith in the goodness of God for salvation.
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