Desire

April 15, 2012

Am I going to make excuses or am I going to make something happen?
Am I going to make my life count or am I going to waste it?
Am I going to make my life about what I have or about who I am?

What if it isn’t a dream. It isn’t a movie. What if this longing is for something that has not yet happened? For what will be in the future. What if it is the present reality of what will soon come to be? I have felt this before. It can’t be satisfied by anything that I try. The only place it actually comes close to being fulfilled is back in the presence of God. A knowledge that everything is perfect that comes through giving up everything, letting go of whatever I hold dear, and completely trusting that He is good and He is all.

The question remains that why with my understanding of the situation, I consistently choose to ignore the one answer I know in search of one that I can’t discover. Have I become so short term oriented in my thinking that I cannot bring myself to fight for what cannot be won in a moment? Am I so distracted by my feelings of discontent that I cannot bring myself to go after their solution?

It’s that moment when you realize watching someone else achieve their dreams is not going to cut it anymore. You have to go out there and do it yourself. Dreaming isn’t good enough, you’ve got to get out there and live it. IT’s my life. It’ my time. It’s my destiny. What do I choose? Will I buckle under the pressure or will I plow through it, rise above it and see the stars above the clouds. Will I push past the last available breath to the one I never saw coming that will take me to places I haven’t dreamed of yet?

When do I reach the point where I realize my dreams have been too small? That what is unrealistic is much easier to dwell on than what is achievable, but it is also much less rewarding. Certain things in life always hold true like the level of input determines the level of output. The level of risk determines the level of reward. The level of patience determines the level of success. I will not become tomorrow what I am not already becoming today and I must plot a course that will deliver me to the destination I choose rather than the destination I will reach by default.

There are choices that must be made and lived with. Decisions that will affect the rest of my life. These do not appear in earth shattering moments with ominous music in the background, but in split second choices that shape my priorities and my character. Right now they are taking me a direction I do not want to go. I have certain things I am learning from following this direction, but I also have things I regret.

One thing I have learned, I need balance. I cannot work all day one day and relax all the next. I need to fill my life with a little bit of everything I need. I also need the discipline to say no to whatever is not profitable for me.

How do I change? Do I make a decision to never go back to this frustrating position I so often find myself in? Do I eliminate whatever is holding me back? Do I give in to what I feel because it is naturally me? What do I have to sacrifice to achieve what I truly desire?